Nobody Told Me I'd Lose Myself in Motherhood — The Truth About Matrescence

Nobody warned me that becoming a mother would feel like losing myself.

I expected to love my children (I did). I expected it to be hard (it was). I expected the sleep deprivation, the lifestyle change, the adjustment period.

What I didn't expect was to one day look in the mirror and genuinely not recognise who was looking back at me. To feel like the person I'd spent 30-something years becoming had just... dissolved. Left without a forwarding address.

If that resonates — even a little — I want to introduce you to a word that might change everything: matrescence.

What is matrescence?

Matrescence is the developmental process of becoming a mother. Coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s and more recently brought into wider conversation by Dr. Alexandra Sacks, it describes a profound identity transformation — as significant as adolescence — that happens when a woman becomes a mother.

Just like adolescence isn't just physical change but a complete psychological, emotional and social restructuring of who you are, matrescence is the same. Except nobody talks about it. There's no rite of passage. No cultural acknowledgement. No curriculum.

You just... become a mother, and then you're supposed to get on with it.

What matrescence actually feels like

It can feel like:

• Grief for who you were before — even when you love your children deeply

• Confusion about who you are now

• Resentment that the identity shift wasn't fully explained to you

• A push-pull between wanting your old life and loving your new one

• Feeling like you're in-between — not quite the old you, not fully settled into this new version either

• Losing hobbies, friendships, passions that used to define you

• Wondering if you'll ever feel like yourself again

These feelings don't make you ungrateful. They make you human. They make you a woman in the middle of one of the most significant transformations of her life — without nearly enough support for it.

The ambivalence is normal

One of the most relieving things I share with clients is this: ambivalence is a completely normal part of matrescence.

You can love your children AND miss who you were before them. You can be grateful for your life AND grieve the life you didn't have. You can be committed to motherhood AND want space that is entirely your own.

Both things are true. They can exist at the same time. And neither one cancels out the other.

The problem is that we don't have much cultural language for this kind of complexity. So when the ambivalence shows up, women often assume something is wrong with them. That they're failing. That they're not cut out for this.

They're not failing. They're in the middle of a transformation — without a map.

You're not going back. You're becoming.

Here's the thing I really want you to hear: the person you were before? She's not coming back. Not exactly. And that's okay.

Matrescence isn't about recovering who you were. It's about discovering who you are becoming — integrating the mother self and the woman self, rather than feeling like you have to choose.

That process takes time. It takes support. And it takes someone holding space for you to do it at the pace that's right for you.

✨ This is exactly what I explore in my online course, Motherhood Unmasked.

We dive into matrescence, burnout, the mental load, and what it actually means to reconnect with yourself in motherhood. It's gentle, self-paced, and designed specifically for mums who feel like they've lost themselves. Explore it at mamaknows.com.au. Or if you'd like personalised support, book a free connection call and let's talk.

The shift that changes everything

When mums finally understand matrescence — when they hear "this is a real developmental process with a name, and what you're experiencing is not a personal failing" — the relief is palpable.

It doesn't fix everything overnight. But it changes the relationship you have with what you're going through. From self-judgment to self-compassion. From confusion to understanding. From feeling broken to recognising you're in the middle of becoming.

You haven't lost yourself. You're finding out who you're becoming next.

Sally is a motherhood coach and accredited Mama Rising Facilitator at mamaknows.com.au. Her work is rooted in matrescence education, trauma-aware coaching, and nervous system awareness.